Saturday, April 29, 2006
Isn't it funny, how when you pride yourself on something, you tend to lose it?
Once upon a time, I was told I had a nice smile. Not once, but many times. And actually, I really liked my smile.
Then my TMJ went weird. Now I can't smile like that.
Once upon a time, I liked to be with people. I got along well. I knew how to talk well. How to keep up my end of the convo. I was the one who could say a bunch of stuff, really fast, really clearly. And they'd stand there, trying to unravel what she just said, at a slower speed.
Now it hurts to talk because of the same. I'd rather not, really.
Once upon a time, I was really vain. Whether it was true or not, I don't know. I thought I looked good. Better than some.
Then the infection took over last summer. And now I've spots, where my melanin was killed off. Right on the front of my face. Makeup or not, it's still visible.
Once upon a time, I used to pride myself on being creative. I liked making things. People told me they looked good. I knew it.
I couldn't come up with something nifty if I tried now.
Once upon a time, I could arm wrestle and beat people almost twice my weight.
Not any more. Yeah right.
Once upon a time, I thought myself invincible. I drove a big vehicle. I could do anything.
Then I had my first accident. Not really serious, but nonetheless, there.
Once upon a time, more recently yet, I was the smart one. So I was told. I don't know. I caught on to everything quickly, and understood it. New things and test were no reason for abnormal stress levels.
Now I fight to.
And the thing is, those things I prided myself on, are hard now. They take alot more effort. And I'm not complaining. I
almost don't care. Pride goes before a fall. Maybe I deserved it. But after a while, you get used to it. And you almost forget what you were like before.
What does all this mean? I don't know. It's just something I thought about when I came across some envelopes of pictures. They reminded me of the past.
Seanna spake at
11:37 PM
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Much is the same in the world of working and studies. It's back to sitting on hard chairs within 4 walls with classmates you'd rather have shut up, staring at misspelled words on a whiteboard. And then there's the coworkers who would rather complain about others, or play around with stinky rubber hoses not from their department!, or harass those that annoy them, or gossip about who likes who because so and so followed so and so to the W.C. the other day, or snicker at customers making out on aisle 13, than actually work.
And some of it is fun. And as much as life drives me nuts, I'm used to it. It's my life, for now. So it's best not to get distracted by what I think would be better, until I'm in such a place that it's possible.
All in good time, it will be possible.
This is me and my buddy Jenna at ell's and James' grad on Sunday. Grainy, because apparently pete doesn't know how to take pictures.
Seanna spake at
10:46 PM
It's the people you love the most,
admire the most,
want the best for the most,
miss the most,
that change the most,
forget you the most,
disregard you the most,
hurt you the most.
And that's the way life is.
And the fighter stands by and watches, helpless to change it.
Seanna spake at
9:37 PM
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Giving up has never been in my vocabulary.
Flunking is something I swore I'd never do.
I'm dangerously close to both.
God give me the strength to keep going. My own effort won't make it.
I'm nothing. If You will, pick up this mess and make it worth while.
Seanna spake at
10:13 PM
Monday, April 17, 2006
Just in case you wanted to know, I took 11031 steps today (Not including my trip to the shower, or the few it'll take me to walk to bed in a couple moments), which works out to 5.21 miles. That's pretty average for me. I drove some places I usually walk, and walked some places I usually drive. It's not, essy's on a lose-weight exercise scheme. Probably more of a muscle mass building plan, which I've been working on for a while, no matter what my state.
I'm feeling burdened tonight though. I found out at work today, that one of my favourite co-workers had to quit. She was 16, in grade 11. And things were bad at home. So she quit school, quit work, and moved an hour away with some friends. I won't call her the smartest girl ever, but she tried to do a good job. And she was very nice. I feel saddened for her. God knows I'll never see her again.
Seanna spake at
10:26 AM
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Easter snuck up on me. I hadn't really stopped to think about it, but my boss informed me today that this is actually our busiest day of the year. More so than even Christmas Eve. I wasn't expecting the zoo that greeted me actually.
I was up late after work last night, studying for today's big test. I was up early this morning before work studying for today's big test. I had a 2 L bottle of Mountain Dew Energy to aid in this. Nothing serious of course. Just 2 L of MDE. But all of that in 10 hours, and I showed up at work. Shaking. Jittery. And my hands twitching. I was freaked. Caffiene never even really kept me awake before. Must be a mixture of the exhaustion and caffiene. It came as a surprise, and I learned a lesson: People as small as essy should not drink 2 L of Mountain Dew Energy in 10 hours.
But anyway, you can't go from a mass of bustling humanity, to staring at a sheet of paper 5 minutes apart. So I went outside and talked to my boss, who was out there. I was already going to be late, I had informed my teacher ealier. How late, I hadn't said. Might as well take a breather.
"So are you going to Nipwain like your sister?" she asked me.
"She's trying to talk me into it."
"And?"
"I don't think I will be."
So we discussed who was leaving, going to schools, what they would be doing, and what I'd be doing.
"So if you're here another year, would you be willing to go into the cash office?"
"You know I would."
"I think you'd be good at it."
"Yeah. It would totally rock my socks off more if I got accepted into school. But it's likely I won't for this fall because of wait-lists."
So you have it. I'm looking at more college sites tonight. Trying to decide on my best bets. I've been run so thin, I hadn't stopped to even do something like,
apply. I need to fix that. So I'm looking and looking. Or else I'll be stuck here another year. And I wouldn't want that.
But is it worth sitting on a waiting list, to do what you really want to do, or settling for a second choice that you don't have to wait for? I don't know. But it brings up another question. What would a second choice even be? I was so set on the first.
Seanna spake at
9:20 PM
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Blessed be SpamGuard.
Seanna spake at
10:27 PM
Monday, April 10, 2006
Oh failure of failures. Did you think you were great? Kick yourself in the head and wake up to your mistakes.
I got some final marks back.
Below 80. Above 78. Darnit.
Seanna spake at
4:13 PM
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Spring: When you love the mud and slush, as long as it stays outdoors.
When the snow recedes, to expose the doggy presents on the sidewalks, previously hidden carefully in the snow. And all those other hidden things you weren’t supposed to know about.
When the ‘hunks’ in their slammed hot rods that are as old as they are, cruise with the windows down all the way, when at this temperature in the autumn, anyone with sense (but certainly not them) would have them rolled up for the cold, and their chicks dig out the mini skirts, tanks, and flip flops, and walk around huddled because they’re actually freezing. But admitting it wouldn’t be cool.
When the tom cats, in like manner, begin their prowling. And two meet. The neighborhood will get no sleep.
And the earth brings forth fresh grass and herb and fruit tree after its kind. And the world looks new and alive once again. You savor it. For it only comes once a year.
Picture of the day:
Apparently I'm interesting, coming home from class.
Seanna spake at
5:50 PM
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Things to do today:
- Work my butt off at the store from 9-6...
- Write a 5 pager on extracellular matrix that was due on Friday.
- Study for the quiz on 2 sections for Wednesday.
- Return those headphones I didn't need.
- Do the 5 pages of questions that were due on Friday.
- Finish assignment trois in the other subject that was due....
- Finish labelling those diagrams of 'the reproductive! system!'.
- Buy a thankyou card.
- Write in the thankyou card.
- Send the thankyou card.
- Return those letters and e-mails I half forgot about.
- This one is left blank for the others, that I know I'm forgetting, but I may or may not end up doing.
Seanna spake at
7:13 AM
Monday, April 03, 2006
I'm back. After sitting in a crammed 12 passenger van with 11 other girls and their luggage for 8 hours there and 8 hours back, I am in such crazy pain I skipped work today- a first for ess. But the trip was pretty good. And if not a break, atleast something other than ordinary. I'll be putting some pics up sooner or later, and some of you will be getting the requested CDs. But it's back to work now. Oh joy. Ho, hum.
Seanna spake at
8:34 PM
